After my ex-husband moved out, sex was the last thing on my mind. We’d been together for almost 20 years and we’d had three kids together. I also had so many things to sort out — custody, owning a home by myself, focusing on my career, and losing my best friend. It felt so heavy there was no room to think about my sexual needs.
Then my hormones kept reminding me I was a sexual being and I was allowed to explore this part of my new life, no matter how that looked. I knew I wasn’t ready for any kind of a relationship, or commitment but I wanted to have sex with something other than my vibrator collection.
I had to let go of the guilt and shame that surrounded being with someone else, and the feelings I had about my body as a woman in my 40s who hadn’t dated in almost two decades.
I wanted to have good sex; I was allowed to have good sex, and that’s exactly what I did. So, if you are going through a divorce, or you’ve been divorced for a while and are afraid to get out there I want you to know you just might be on the verge of having the best sex of your life because …
1. You may have been lacking passion.
Maybe you were in a sexless marriage. Perhaps the sex was just OK. Or maybe it was great, but you both lacked trust, intimacy, and felt there was another piece missing that took away from the good sex.
This is a time in your life when you get to choose who you want to have sex with and how you want it to feel. You get to say if you want to see them again, you get to decide if you want them to stay the night, you get to decide if it’s good enough for you. You get to make all of those decisions and you are free to move on if it doesn’t hit the spot. That’s empowering as hell.
2. You aren’t afraid to say what you want.
Nothing strips you like a divorce. Even if you struggled to speak up before, this will break you in. You are at a point in your life when you are rebuilding and you’ve learned if there’s something you want, it’s OK if you ask for it.
Maybe you’ve always wanted to have a threesome. Maybe you want to bring toys into the bedroom or try some BDSM. Or there might be a part of you that wants to be held for hours after sex.
You can ask for it now, because the worst thing you can hear is “no.” And after a divorce, that’s pretty minor.
3. Having sex with someone new is exciting.
We can’t deny this — a new partner can be the biggest turn on and make us feel things we haven’t felt for a long time. It might be a stranger you meet in the grocery store, or someone you knew in high school. Regardless, a new partner can be the spark you need to jump start your sex life.
4. You can literally reinvent yourself.
This is a new start for so many aspects of your life, and sex is included in that. You can start fresh, you can try new things, you don’t have to stay in a routine unless that’s something you want to do.
If you’ve always wanted to be the dominant one in the bedroom, this is your chance to go for it without having to explain yourself.
5. You can go at your own pace.
If you want to sleep with a few people with no strings attached, that’s your business. If you want to go on a date, then have a steaming session before you do the real thing, you can. This is your time to set the pace and not feel like you have to make big decisions.
Take it from me, there is something very freeing about having sex, then having them leave so you can hog the bed and not feel like you have to limit your morning routine because there is someone there in the morning.
When you are ready for more, you will know. Until then, go at your own pace.
6. If you have shared custody with your ex, you’ll have more time on your hands.
Missing your kids is incredibly painful but, it does allow for some freedoms: You don’t have to share ice cream if you don’t want, you are free to have a venting sesh with your girlfriend without having to watch your language, and you can bring a date home and have sex on the kitchen island if you want.
More time means you are able to get out there with your girlfriends, go on dates, and be able to do things like shave your legs, wear a matching bra and underwear set, and do a hair mask.
These are little things, but believe me they boost your confidence and they do help.
7. You’ve put up with enough and you aren’t afraid to put yourself first.
There’s nothing more freeing than realizing something isn’t working out. After a divorce, you’ve literally reached your limit and you aren’t afraid to speak up and say when enough is enough because you mentally can’t handle any more.
If someone isn’t treating you right, you aren’t afraid to call them out. If you want something in the bedroom, you are so aware you’ve settled long enough and you’ve got your limit with that bulls—.
Divorce can make you feel low, but it also makes you realize you are the only one who can create the life you want. That means in the bedroom and out.