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Moms, We Need to Stop Feeling Pressured to Orgasm Every. Single. Time. We Have Sex

Article By Julie Meadors
Can We Stop Putting the Pressure On Orgasming

Sujintana Kansakarn (WildSkyMedia)

~ August, 2021 ~ One of the easiest ways to make a room full of women blush is to bring up the subject of orgasms. We will talk assertively about asking for a raise and spare no detail of our birthing stories, but when it comes to discussing our own pleasure, the majority of us are listening but not speaking up. Why is it so hard to talk about?

I’m not a psychologist, but I do have a vagina. So I think that qualifies me to hypothesize that it might have something to do with the fact that women aren’t included in the conversation.

The lack of experiential information gives way to misinformation in the form of outdated studies on female orgasms, usually written by men, and books and movies that portray the female orgasm as this easily achieved state of ecstasy during heterosexual intercourse.

This means fewer women understand their own pleasure, much less how to ask for it from their partners. That’s no way to live, ladies.

Every good conversation starts with information, and for this one, that means knowing all the facts about how you receive pleasure.

I’m not talking about toys or positions, I’m talking about really getting to the heart of what makes you feel good. The female orgasm has been a mystery to society at large for ages and it’s time to start putting that “puzzle” together for everyone’s sakes.

First of all, you don’t have to climax to enjoy sex.

In fact, according to MedlinePlus 10 to 15% of women have never had an orgasm. That means three of the women in your 20-person CrossFit or yoga class have never had an orgasm. And you know what? That’s OK. Orgasmless sex, with a partner or alone, can be incredibly fun, relaxing, and enjoyable.

It can even be more enjoyable sometimes, if you can believe that. It also has loads of health benefits and can build intimacy with your partner. But sex without orgasm can be a delicate subject for women, especially in heterosexual relationships where their partners more regularly orgasm during intercourse.

In these scenarios, it’s important to let partners know that the intimacy and fun of the act is the end game, not getting to the big O. This will take the pressure off you both and allow you to relax and enjoy each other’s bodies.

Ever just went on a drive with no destination and ended up having a great time? This is what sex without orgasm can be, as long as everyone in the car, erm, bedroom knows there is no destination. This does not preclude having an orgasm, but should serve as a way to give yourself permission to relax and take ownership of your own pleasure. No pressure, just fun.

Maybe you enjoy sex but desperately want that body-shaking explosion you keep reading about in those sexy novels.

Well, let’s talk about what can get you there. From personal experience, my orgasms can be very nuanced. If I am worried about deadlines, I feel unattractive that day, or just haven’t had enough water, it can be difficult to impossible to get there. Take care of your mind, body, and soul first. I like to use the HALT method. If you are getting frustrated with your lack of orgasm, check to see if you are hungry (or thirsty), angry, lonely, or tired first.

Put into this context, make sure your body is well-hydrated and has plenty of energy. If you’re getting frustrated and upset, well, maybe take a breather and ask yourself: Am I upset about something else? Talk to your partner about it, too, and increase your growing emotional intimacy.

Lonely is a good one because I think we don’t think of ourselves as lonely during sex with a partner, but it can be very isolating if we feel like our partner doesn’t know how to pleasure us. So. Tell. Them. It can be hard to start the conversation, but a caring partner will not only be receptive, they will be relieved you are sharing what makes you feel good.

If you’re tired, take a break. This is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. Remember sex should be fun. As soon as it’s not, you have every right to stop. Rest your body and mind, then come back to it when the mood strikes again.

So you’ve had a snack, drank a gallon of water, talked out your childhood issues ad nauseum, and had a good nap.

Now you want that orgasm, and you want it now. Well the good news is that you’ve equipped yourself to be in a good place for one. You’re communicating with your partner and they are doing all the things that you like best. But if you still aren’t getting there maybe it’s time to rethink our perceptions around orgasms.

According to a study published by the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy only 18% of women achieve orgasm by penetration alone, and 37% of women required clitoral stimulation to come. That means for most of us having heterosexual sex, we probably aren’t going to get there by penetration alone. It’s time to let that fantasy novel idea go and focus on what works.

So what does work?

From what we know of physiology of the female anatomy, our clitoris has the most sensitive nerve endings, starting externally and then reaching into our vaginal walls. I think with this knowledge that it’s likely that more that 37% of women need stimulation externally to achieve orgasm. And if that’s the case, then we need to start talking frankly with our partners and educating them on our needs. If you can only get there through oral sex, perfect. Need a hot and heavy session involving fingers? Good for you!

The important part is to know what works for you and tell that to your partner. With a little education and a lot of communication, we can start achieving the sexual gratification that we deserve. Because having a healthy and satisfying sex life is not a privilege, it’s your right.

A version of this article originally appeared here on cafemom.com

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