~ July, 2021 ~ Maybe you’ve been lucky enough in your life to have had some earth-shatteringly good sex. The sex was mind-blowing. Show-stopping. Jaw-dropping. But ask yourself this: Was it world record-breaking sex?
You knew about the record for “Most Apples Held in Own Mouth and Cut by Chainsaw in One Minute”, and who could forget the records for “Stretchiest Skin” or “Longest Metal Coil Passed Through the Nose and Out of the Mouth”? But for those of us who are curious about the world’s sexiest records — ahem, absolutely all of us — I’ve compiled a list of all the greatest sex world records that are totally wild and NSFTGBOWR (Not Safe For The Guinness Book Of World Records).
To be clear: Most of the following sex records aren’t exactly #goals. (Aside from that nine-hour masturbation session, because we love to see such devoted self-care.) And sex is almost always best when the stakes are low — when you and your partner(s) aren’t angling to achieve anything or break any records, aside from the record for Most Gleeful Coitus, which isn’t technically a category but definitely should be.
Read on to learn all about the world’s steamiest, most thrilling, and sometimes downright shocking sex records.
1. The Longest Masturbation Session
In 2009, Masanobu Sato won the endurance competition at the annual Masturbate-a-thon fundraiser hosted by San Francisco’s Center for Sex & Culture, an event that first surfaced in the ‘90s to destigmatize solo sex and self-pleasure. What was Sato’s time, you ask? A whopping nine hours and 33 minutes.
Today, however, Sato faces some stiff competition. According to Mel Magazine, 43-year-old Drake Hardy, a “bisexual man with a master’s degree in physical sciences,” is gearing up to break the world record, which has since increased to 10 hours and 10 minutes. Workin’ hard or hardly workin’, eh Drake?
2. The Most Orgasms In One Hour
According to a blog post from sex toy manufacturer Lelo, doctors from the Center for Marital and Sexual Studies in California once observed 134 orgasms from a single woman in one hour — the most ever documented. By contrast, the record for men stands at a measly 16 orgasms in the same length of time.
Similarly, in 1966, a woman experienced the longest orgasm on record. It reportedly lasted for 45 seconds and resulted in 25 individual contractions. Sounds like she came for a good time and a long time.
3. The Oldest Pair Of Twin Sex Workers
In 2012, Martine and Louise Fokken, then 70-year-old identical twin sisters and long-time sex workers in Amsterdam’s Red Light District, released their memoirs and a documentary film about their lives entitled Meet The Fokkens, according to the BBC. The Fokken sisters are widely considered to be the oldest twin sex workers in the business, not only in Amsterdam, where prostitution is legal, but anywhere in the world. BRB, buying tickets for Sister Act 2: Fokken Me Up, coming to a theater near you.
Additional elderly escorts include a Taipei woman in her 80’s nicknamed “Grandma” and Sheila Vogel-Coupe, considered to be Britain’s oldest prostitute, who is now in her early 90’s.
4. The Largest Natural Breasts
Annie Hawkins-Turner, better known as Norma Stitz (aka enormous t*ts), is the Atlanta-based fetish model and entrepreneur who’s held the Guinness world record for largest breasts since 1999. Now in her 60’s, Hawkins-Turner’s bra size is a 102ZZZ and it’s speculated that each breast weighs anywhere between 55 and 85 pounds. In 2011, Hawkins-Turner appeared on the UK’s This Morning to speak about her experience growing up with such a prominent chest, for which she’s been the victim of relentless bullying and teasing from strangers practically all her life. Of her work in the fetish industry, she told the show’s hosts, “I’ve shown people that big is beautiful and you can be sexy in your own way.” Team Norma forever.
5. Most Sexual Partners In A 24-Hour Period
The holder of this record is widely considered to be porn star Lisa Sparks (also known as Lisa Sparxxx), who — at an event in Warsaw, Poland — reportedly had sex with 919 individual men back-to-back within a period of 24 hours. No one seems to have been able to out-bang Sparxxx since that fateful day in 2004, so she remains the reigning champ. And frankly, it’s a tall order — there’s not enough lube in the entire solar system to keep the chafing from 900+ partners at bay. We salute you and your steel vagina, Ms. Sparxxx.
6. The Oldest Male Pornstar
At 60, Tokyo-born Shigeo Tokuda retired from his desk job as a travel agent and took up something a little more stimulating: Porn. Now well into his 80’s, Tokuda has starred in more than 350 adult films and is widely considered the “undisputed king of Japanese mature porn.” Flex, king.
7. The Oldest Virgin
In 2011, UK-born secretary Clara Meadmore died a proud virgin just before turning 108. During a public celebration of her 107th birthday, Meadmore reportedly told the press that the key to her longevity was her abstinence. To Meadmore, sex and intimate relationships seemed like “a lot of hassle.” Maybe she was onto something… *texts ex*.
8. The Biggest Collection of Penises
If you’ve got a yen for general erotic art, The World Erotic Art Museum, located in Miami Beach, has thousands of works for you to browse. But if you’re looking specifically for a collection of more than 200 penises, you’re going to need to head to the Icelandic Phallological Museum in Reykjavik, Iceland. You’ll see whale penises, you’ll see fox penises, you’ll see penises belonging to characters from Icelandic folklore. This is your one-stop phallus shop. Bring your own condoms.
9. The Largest Orgy
The world record for the largest orgy was broken back in 2006 when 500 naked, writhing bodies came together (in more ways than one) for a sex session in Japan. Since then, the record-holders have proven difficult to de-throne. According to Men’s Health, “Menage Life’s Sin City 8 sex festival endeavored to hold the world’s largest orgy” in 2018, but logistical difficulties resulted in a sub-par total of 375 people. Better luck next time.
10. The Longest Marriage
Warning: Painfully sweet content ahead! Zelmyra Fisher, born in 1907, and her husband Herbert Fisher, born in 1905, sealed the deal on May 13, 1924 in North Carolina and remained married until Fisher’s death in 2015. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the two had been married 86 years, 9 months, and 16 days as of February 27, 2011. Mawwiage indeed!
11. Most Queefs In 30 Seconds
For those who are less literate in yonic expulsions, a queef is a form of vaginal flatulence, usually accompanied by a fart sound, that escapes the vagina when built-up air pressure is released, especially after or during sex.
In 2009, Howard Stern held a queefing championship, and the results seem to defy all logic and scientific principles. Abby, the winner, reportedly let 93 queefs rip in just one minute for an average of three per second. Truly, an amazing feat. All hail Chief Queef.
12. The Strongest Vagina
Also in 2009 (such a cursed year), Russian gymnast Tatyana Kozhevnikova reportedly lifted a 31-pound kettlebell using nothing but the strength of her vagina. My kegels could never.
13. The Largest Penis
There’s a bit of a dispute about who is the true holder of this coveted record.
For many years, New Yorker Jonah Falcon was considered to have the world’s largest penis, clocking in at 9.5 inches flaccid and 13.5 inches when erect.
However, in recent years, a challenger from Mexico has come forth named Roberto Esquivel Cabrera, who claims to be the proud owner of a 19-incher. Go long, boys.
14. World’s Longest Kiss
According to Guinness, the longest kiss on record lasted a staggering 58 hours, 35 minutes, and 58 seconds. The love birds in question? Thailand’s own Ekkachai Tiranarat and Laksana Tiranarat. They completed the smooch at an event organized by Ripley’s Believe It or Not! in Pattaya, Thailand in 2013. Talk about a marathon makeout sesh.
15. Longest Ejaculation By Distance
The official number on record is 18 feet, 9 inches, reportedly spewed from an American man by the name of Horst Schultz. However, according to a recent Mel Magazine article, these numbers are completely unsubstantiated. It’s not even clear if this Horst Schultz character is a real person or just an urban legend — an Abominable Sperm-man, if you will.
Whether or not he and his record are legit, the lore of Schultz’s ejaculate has inspired one anonymous 35-year-old North Hollywood man to shoot for the stars — or at least the other side of the room. The man, whom Mel Magazine called “Matthew,” is nothing if not dedicated to his craft. His training has whipped his pelvic floor into “prime shape,” through “various exercises.” He’s also employed “electrical muscle stimulation machines that work via anal probe.” To date, Matthew has passed the 5-foot mark with his sperm. When he reaches six, he reportedly plans to contact the Guinness Book of World Records to finally set the record straight. Far out, dude.
16. Greatest Speed Of Ejaculation
This is another record reportedly held by Mr. Schultz, of ejaculation legend. If the numbers are correct, Schultz is responsible for a jet stream of semen traveling at 42.7 miles per hour. Sir, we’re gonna need to see some license and registration, please.
From octogenarian prostitutes to heavy-lifting vaginas, there’s no shortage of amazing things we can do with our bodies.
Clearly, that old saying is true: Everybody really is good at something — even if your special talent is rocketing your semen into space.