Expert review byKristie Overstreet, Ph.D., LPCC, LMHC, CST
~ Man or woman, gay or straight—anyone can cheat. But why?
Men and women may cheat for very different reasons, licensed marriage and family therapist Shane Birkel, LMFT, explains. But he notes that it’s likely more due to the way men and women are socialized than any innate differences between them. He adds that the more we as a society move away from that socialization and away from patriarchy, the less we’re seeing those gendered differences in cheating behavior.
Nonetheless, as of right now, some research does show that men are more likely to cheat than women, with 20% of men have admitted to cheating compared to 13% of women. So we asked relationship experts about why men cheat, along with what defines cheating, signs to watch out for, and what to do if infidelity has infiltrated your relationship. Many of these behaviors might apply to people of all genders, but they can definitely be relevant to men.
9 reasons men cheat in relationships:
1. They’re looking for a way out.
“Sometimes when men cheat, it’s because they are trying to get out of a relationship, and that is a first step,” relationship therapist Ken Page, LCSW, tells mbg.
Although people of all genders might do cheat for this reason, Birkel explains that men may be less likely to have difficult conversations with their partner about their own needs and the relationship. If they’re looking for a way out, they may see cheating as a means to an end. “They’re sort of done with their marriage or relationship, and instead of having that difficult conversation, they’ll just have an affair,” he says.
2. They’re looking for connection.
Despite what gender norms may tell us about men, cheating doesn’t always happen for purely physical reasons. If they’re feeling unseen or disconnected from their partner, Page says, “those things hurt and make us go into a zone where we protect ourselves,” adding, “when this happens a lot over time, the impulse to think about sex with other people goes up significantly.”
And generally speaking, men are “much less likely to have a good social support system” as far as close male friends, Birkel says. In those instances, the compassion and support from another woman in his life may be very welcome. “It often starts as a friendship, maybe a woman co-worker,” he says, who starts to make him feel better about himself, and so an emotional connection forms.
3. They have sociopathic or narcissistic traits.
If a partner has cheated, there could be sociopathic tendencies or narcissistic traits involved. “[They could be] someone who just literally doesn’t care about their partner’s feelings,” Page says. “They want what they want, and it’s just that simple.”
Birkel adds that often, when an opportunity to cheat presents itself, “There are certain people who don’t have a good ability to be understanding of other people’s emotions or the impact of their behavior on other people—narcissistic qualities.”
Notably, most people have some level of narcissistic behaviors, and not every person with narcissistic behaviors is a full-blown narcissist with narcissistic personality disorder. The same can be said for sociopathy, aka antisocial personality disorder.
4. Revenge cheating.
Some people act out and cheat out of anger, jealousy, or a desire for revenge, says Birkel. Even if their partner hasn’t cheated on them, if they’ve done something to upset their partner (i.e., having a close friendship with another man, Birkel offers as an example), “They’ll end up cheating to make a point,” he says.
5. They’re struggling with substance abuse.
If one partner is dealing with a substance abuse problem, instances of cheating may become much more likely. “When we become addicted like that, it creates and impulse-driven, more immature version of ourselves,” Page says, noting that he’s seen many relationships fall apart after one partner became addicted to painkillers after a surgery, for example.
6. They’re struggling with their mental health.
Similarly, Page says depression and anxiety can also increase that impulse-driven behavior, because “if depression and anxiety are intense, it can really exacerbate the need to get relief—and relief can often come in the form of someone really attractive outside the relationship.”
7. They’re seeking validation.
Feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem can also drive someone to cheat, particularly if they’re not getting that validation in their own relationship, Page and Birkel note. “If people don’t feel attractive enough to their partner, they may cheat to look for external validation,” Page explains. He adds that sexual issues (such as erectile dysfunction) can also drive someone to “look for someone newer and more exciting to prove to themselves that they’re still sexual potent and capable.”
8. They’re denying part of their identity.
In some cases, cheating can be the result of one partner denying their own sexual or gender identity. Someone may be struggling with accepting they are gay or bisexual, and “they want to experiment, want to explore,” Page says. “This could also be true with gender identity issues. And you desire to explore sex as well as identity around that because it’s a hidden part of yourself.”
9. They’re emotionally immature.
Lastly, Birkel and Page both agree that many of these reasons fall under the category of emotional immaturity. “I think that’s at the core of why men cheat,” Birkel says, noting that men are taught not to talk about their emotions. “By the time a man has an affair, there’s already been a long period of time when there have been issues, and they’ve had an inability to talk about those feelings,” he says. According to Page, it often comes down to simply “poor judgment, lack of willpower, lack of self-control, and immaturity.”
What really counts as cheating?
There is no right or wrong answer to this, as the truth is, it’s different for every couple. That’s why it’s a good conversation to get out of the way early in a relationship. Particularly nowadays, with polyamory, open relationships, and other approaches to dating becoming more common, along with the prevalence of porn and social media, every relationship will have different things they are OK—and definitely not OK—with.
“People have very, very different feelings about this,” Page notes. “This is something that needs a lot of discussion between partners. What’s most important is that one partner doesn’t override the other person’s needs and feelings around this.”
He adds that men generally have a lower tolerance for sexual infidelity than emotional, whereas women are much more negatively affected by a partner who’s emotionally cheating. Again, it’s a conversation that should be had sooner than later.
In general, though, when it comes to cheating, Birkel says secrecy is often involved—and guilt. “Secrecy is often a big part of it. That’s a really good clue it’s something that’s verging on cheating,” he says, along with “any time you’re feeling guilty about something you’re doing.”
Signs your partner may be cheating.
The following signs are by no means absolute indicators your partner is cheating. However, if a number of these signs from Birkel and Page are present, you may have a case of infidelity on your hands.
- They’re more withdrawn, more closed off, and/or more emotionally disconnected.
- You notice significant changes in the way they do things (i.e., their schedule or their general behavior).
- You feel like you’re having a hard time getting the full information from them about certain things.
- You bring up a particular person or instance that seems fishy, and they get very defensive, or in other cases, they’re very vague and dismissive about it.
- They’re suddenly putting more effort into their appearance, perhaps before work or before going out.
- They seem super enthusiastic about another person.
- They’re more sexually apathetic toward you or less interested and excited by you.
- All of a sudden, your partner seems extra nice, as if they’re trying to make up for something.
- They’re not accountable for where they’re spending their time (and in some cases, their money). There are big chunks of time when they don’t want to talk about what they were doing.
- They seem more irritated by you or judgmental of you, in an ongoing way.
- There’s been a strong downgrading of sexual interest. They may have more difficulty getting and/or maintaining an erection, as well as orgasming.
- And of course, physical evidence like emails or texts left open, an earring left behind, or condoms in their wallet.
What to do about infidelity in a relationship:
Decide whether you want to stay together and work through it.
How couples handle instances of cheating is completely personal. Some people are unable to accept the break in trust, and others are willing to work through it. Research shows people who cheated on a partner in a previous relationship are three times more likely to cheat in a future relationship, Page notes. But “something like 65% of people who work on their relationship after an affair are able to recover and feel happy in their relationship again,” according to Birkel.
It can take years, and likely outside help from a sex or couples’ therapist, for a relationship to recover from an affair, but it is possible if both partners are willing to do the work. And that’s really the most important thing. But knowing when to walk away, too, is just as important.
Gauge if the cheating partner is actually willing to commit to change.
“One thing I’d say for sure,” Page notes, “is don’t assume this just won’t happen again. It’s a deeper issue, and there are deeper roots that need to be addressed.” He adds that it’s important to understand the “why.” “The cheating is the tip of an iceberg, and there’s some form of disconnection from self, and disconnection in the relationship, that exists when there is cheating.”
And if the partner who cheated isn’t willing to work on things but rather is dismissive of their partner’s hurt, “to me that’s not going to be a situation that’s ever going to lead to a healthy relationship again,” Birkel says. “And I don’t think a partner of that person should tolerate that level of not caring.”
Center the feelings of the person who was cheated on.
Often the partner who did the cheating may find themselves in a state of deep shame, but Birkel notes there’s a difference between feeling guilty and feeling shame. “Healthy guilt is appropriate,” he says, but “it’s important for the person who had the affair to take some time to make it about their partner’s experience and hurt,” as opposed to their own feelings of being a bad person.
The bottom line.
Being cheated on is nothing short of a traumatic experience, and there can be so many reasons it might have happened in different relationships and contexts. But no matter the reason, one thing can be certain: Infidelity forces both of you to take a step back, look at what went wrong, and decide how you want to move forward from there—if at all.